Most of us have heard the old adage, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never harm me.” True, while they don’t harm me there are some words and phrases that can send me to the brink. I am looking for any brain activity which does not include the words ‘election’ or ‘Coronavirus’, so though my list is long I will only list my Top 5.

Fair warning…this is a personal list and as a reader you are not required to agree though I’d bet you have a few of your own.

5. irregardless – OK, in my world this isn’t even a word at all though some publications beg to differ. Using the word ‘regardless’ will suffice. “Regardless of the consequences, the driver topped speeds of 100 mph.” See…it works!

4. Sorry, not sorry – It would seem that for many being edgy is everything and this seems to be the edgy way to allow yourself to say and do anything to anyone, simply considering yourself a truth teller instead of a rude SOB. If you feel the need to apologize (sorry) for what you said, or not (not sorry) maybe you need to keep your mouth closed and stop being a rude SOB. #sorrynotsorry

3. fixin’s – no one who has ever made my acquaintance would use the word “cutesy” to describe me and I think the term fixin’s is just too cute for me. Things are explained as having ‘all the fixin’s’, but as fixin’s can be anything it just isn’t possible to have all of them, is it? There can always be more and let’s face it, since we are not all Aunt Bee is this really an appropriate term?

2. diva – this takes sorry, not sorry to ridiculous extremes. Not only do you want to say or do anything to anyone, AT NO TIME are you sorry. You are an entitled, rude human that delights in making it as difficult to get along with and be around you as you can. Then you give your bad behavior a name to suggest you occupy a pedestal the rest of us don’t…or can’t. Nice try, but call yourself a diva and I will see you for what you are.

And the winner is…1. triggered – this is the most overused, exaggerated buzzword of today. While there is an actual meaning relating to PTSD, anxiety and some mental disorders it is now is used everywhere by everyone. Go to any news service and see headlines like; “How The Whistleblower Triggered Impeachment”, “…Crash Triggered By Insect Bite”, “911 call Triggered Search”. Substitute ’caused’ for triggered and you have the same story but it is not nearly as dramatic and we are nothing right now if not dramatic. If you don’t believe me, I refer you to my earlier comments regarding the terms election and Coronavirus.

When I was a child there was a book titled Fun with Dick and Jane. It was a reading primer and as recalled by my admittedly warped-by-time brain a sort of introduction to behavior and interaction. Well, fast forward to February 4th, 2020, and we have our new version starring Donald Trump and Nancy Pelosi. Their behavior, each of them, prior to and during the State of the Union speech shouldn’t make anyone proud, yet take to the airwaves today and clearly it did. But I am not here to dissect bad behavior, at least that displayed by our politicians, I am instead writing about us and it’s not a flattering picture.

With each passing day, culminating with last night’s idiocy, I am alternately saddened, angered, appalled and disgusted by the behavior of my fellow citizens. They take to social media in droves decrying “them” while smugly celebrating the superiority of “us”. They belittle, insult, humiliate and unfriend those disagreeing even though last week they were ‘bonding’ over a great jumping round at the Desert circuit.

And it all takes a predictable turn no matter the issue du jour; opinions are stated, said opinion disagreed with, outrage at stupidity of those disagreeing, bad behavior judged on a sliding scale of what is worse (totally subjective of course). This degrades to vicious personal comments, lamentations that the sky is surely falling and when all else fails, public ‘outing’ of bad spelling. I can only assume the latter is designed to prove to the remaining readers some concrete proof of the stupidity of the dissenter.

My question is why any of us are allowing the behavior of those out of touch people in the executive and legislative branches that care far more about their own agendas and advancement than they care about any of us to bring us to this pathetic place. Don’t tell me it’s them; look at yourselves, look at the complete lack of civility and manners on display every day. Has this helped? Rudeness is decried by more rudeness, hatred and divisiveness is admonished by additional hatred. Why can’t we see it? Why can’t we stop it? And can one person answer that without blaming a person, a group of people or a platform?

Are any of you proud of any of this? God, I hope not. I recently saw a comment by someone that said while others were looking to find a bigger house or more room for entertaining all she planned for her home renovation was a crocodile and a moat. I feel today is the day to rent the backhoe and start shopping for that crocodile.

“At the end of the day people won’t remember what you said or did, they will remember how you made them feel.” – Maya Angelou

It has crossed my mind yet again this Christmas season how lucky the children of my generation were; before smartphones, Alexa, Siri, email, and all the other myriad of devices that separate us from one another. They can all be great, of course, but for every check mark in the plus column there is the certain knowledge that we are losing the human connection that has always been a hallmark of our society.

My mother loved the holiday season and she transferred that love to me, Every overachieving, detail-oriented gesture I now possess came from watching her do Christmas. Mom was an amazing “gifter”. She always seemed to know the perfect gift and it was always delivered in wrapping and ribbon as spectacular as could be. But the gifting was not her real legacy; it was what she created with her efforts.

I never heard my mother claim she was too busy; she baked, shopped, wrote letters, decorated not only our house but my grandmother’s, and topped it off hosting the neighborhood for a cocktail party on Christmas afternoon. She worked herself to the bone, by choice, and I know sometimes she set her own bar quite high. However, she never uttered a negative word. When she visited an elderly friend she behaved as if she had all the time in the world to catch up. When I wanted to help her bake cookies she let me though she could have finished the task in half the time without me. On a shelf near our front door there were always five or six small wrapped packages, generic, but there because she believed no one should come to the house and not feel as if they were expected, even if they weren’t, and above all to make them feel welcome.

You see, she got it. She knew to tell someone how busy she was when she arrived for a visit was the same as telling them, ‘I’m here because I have to be, not because I want to be.’ She floated through the Christmas season assuring everyone knew they mattered, that they were treasured, whether family or friends. She was as busy as everyone else, but she kept it to herself.

Of course, the world has changed and it is not my suggestion that everyone put pressure on themselves to do more than they are able; this is not about becoming the next Christmas wunderkind. In fact, it is not singularly about Christmas. But I ask you to consider the wisdom of Ms. Angelou’s words; ‘they will remember how you made them feel’.

The time to let people know what they mean to you is now. It has little impact after you’re gone. Whether you share a gift, your wisdom, your time, or your heart…be all in. Each of us has the power to be a positive in another’s life and it can take as little or as much time as you have to spend. It will never, however, happen electronically or with your face in your phone. We are steadily losing the largest power we have available to us; the power of human connection. I hope you can use your power this holiday season and throughout the year, to ensure someone remembers how wonderful you made them feel. Merry Christmas!

Last week the equestrian world blew up with the news that a once shining star of the sport had taken his life. He was under investigation by the newly formed (2 years ago) US Center for Safe Sport for allegations of sexual misconduct and his friends say he was broke, reputation ruined, and had nowhere to turn in his effort to clear his name. I am not writing this for “that” debate. I am far from qualified to speculate on either his mindset or the truth or extent of the allegations against him. I only offer this as a basis for the following.

This is not the first time I have taken on the subject of Safe Sport. The Center came to be, based on the Safe Sport Authorization Act of 2017 which was signed into law in 2018. At it’s heart, in the aftermath of the Larry Nassar/USA Gymnastics debacle it is designed to make sure the NGBs (National Governing Bodies) of Olympic disciplines do everything in their power to protect youth in sports from physical, mental and sexual abuse which includes bullying, threats and shaming. So what’s the problem you ask?

So far, no problem. Everyone can agree that children’s safety, in sport or out, is paramount. Safe Sport seems to be doing a good job at the education and training part of their mission. It is the resolution program where I part ways with them. It is my opinion that they have a ‘guilty until proven innocent’ mentality and they hide behind the reasoning that they are not subject to the same due process tenets because they are a private, non-profit. They have no transparency and by that, I do not suggest they release names of those coming forward with claims of abuse. I do, however, suggest that they not publish the names of the accused on their website until a resolution has been reached. Anecdotal evidence suggests that the names are published before any in-depth investigation.

I have been quite vocal in my opinions though I have never addressed the guilt or innocence of an accused, the validity or lack thereof of an accuser, nor am I interested in the names of the accusers. Again, I am neither qualified to determine guilt or innocence nor is it any of my business who these people are. My argument is with the policy and it seemed fairly simple to me that to exercise my right to abide by a current law while working to amend or change it was purely within my rights…HA! You see, this debate suffers from what every debate in our country currently suffers from; irrationality.

There is a popular forum on a magazine website for equestrians. Those in lockstep with Safe Sport are up in arms with those who don’t agree. They have been rallying each other to screen shot comments from other social media outlets with the names and comments from those with a differing opinion and forward them to Safe Sport and the USEF (United States Equestrian Federation). Sorry to burst your bubble kids, but I have already written letters voicing my opinions to the USEF and the twenty-nine senators who sponsored or co-sponsored the Safe Sport Act…signed ’em too. So your attempts to ‘out’ me and those others who disagree as “supporters of abuse” and “just scared because we are afraid we are next” is comical. Oh, by the way, I used my actual name in my communications instead of a cutesy screen name for your anonymity on the forum.

These same forum groupies have begun a list of those that have donated to a GoFundMe page for the family of the man mentioned above. Evidently support for someone’s family is also considered by them to be support of sexual abuse. You guys ever hear of Joseph McCarthy? Well, he had this list of people that didn’t agree with him, and…well, you should Google it.

Finally, I have been accused of victim shaming. I want to amend policy, not abolish, and I am victim shaming. Now I know amend and abolish both start with “a” but I can assure you that’s where the similarity ends. I want to have a debate over the policies of an organization in existence for less than two years and I am victim shaming. I never suggested any person coming forward with a claim of abuse didn’t have a right to speak and be heard and I am victim shaming..

Well, herein lies the problem. I, and others, have a differing opinion on this important and complicated subject. Instead of a dialogue, those of you that stand steadfastly with Safe Sport against bullying and threatening take my words and send them to the USEF and Safe Sport; to do what I’m sure I don’t know but you hope the idea of it scares me and makes me stop. Those of you standing against shaming want to publish the names of those disagreeing with you to, I’m guessing, make them ashamed of their actions. Anyone seeing a pattern? No? Oh my…

Our family has lots of great Dads; fathers of children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren. Overall, they have been, and continue to be, examples of hard work, selflessness, compassion and love. Oh yeah, occasionally they are also there to point out that line in the sand and make sure you know the consequences for crossing it because, well, that’s their job too.

But just days away from Father’s Day this is not about them though I love them all. This is about the man I called Dad. Tomorrow will be the 28th anniversary of his death and that year, on Father’s Day I went to his funeral. For a long time that is what stuck with me…a Father’s Day funeral. But what a disservice to the man he was, the father he was.

My Dad loved to point out that he was the only father he knew that informed the mother her child had been born. You see, they had arranged to adopt me before my birth and it just so happened on the morning I arrived in the world my mother and grandmother were shopping for baby clothes. My Dad put a big sign proclaiming “It’s a girl!” on the back door to greet them when they returned.

As a father of the 60’s and 70’s, looking back I believe he was ahead of his time. He thought I was very smart, probably much more so than I am, but he encouraged me to never be ashamed to have a brain, to never stop learning, to challenge myself. He set the bar high but never criticized if I didn’t meet it. He simply gave me some new tools and set it a little higher. He taught me that competition and effort and failing were all part of life and were things to be embraced rather than shied away from. As a man of example, he walked the walk. In his late seventies, he suffered from macular degeneration. He couldn’t drive, something he dearly loved, and many everyday tasks became a struggle. But he arranged to go to the local Society for the Blind and took Braille classes, coming home each time to study and practice. He didn’t know the meaning of “give up”.

I could write pages about him and before I’m gone I probably will, but this Father’s Day reflection is really about what you learn about the people you love from, often, the most unexpected places. I’ve heard from people how my Dad had an effect on them; often small things, sometimes not, but things remembered to this day.

When I was growing up, in the fall it was common for the neighborhood to rake their leaves into piles in the gutter and burn them. We had a huge front lawn, giant trees and raking was no small task. There was a family in our neighborhood of four boys and two girls. Two of the brothers were walking home past our house and of course, couldn’t resist kicking each pile of leaves to oblivion. Before they even reached the corner, my Dad appeared with rakes. One of the brothers told me years later that my father made them rake up everything they had spread out, which he acknowledged was correct. But what stuck with him was that my Dad brought out three rakes and worked with them to clean it all back up.

My Dad was a pilot. He had a small private plane and loved to fly every chance he got. Some high school friends of mine told me years later about how my father took them to the airport and took them up in his plane, even letting them “fly” once they were airborne. They all counted it as one of the coolest memories of that time in their life.

Shortly after my birth, my biological mother had plans to move a great distance and was going to be driving alone. My father had only met her twice, but he arranged to have her car picked up from her workplace and paid for an oil change, tune-up and four new tires before her journey.

There are many other stories I have only heard in the years since his death. He never talked about them, never looked for accolades or praise, it was a part of who he was and the satisfaction he got from doing the things he did was reward enough for him.

I knew he was a great guy and I loved him, but it is such a gift to know others appreciated him as well. It would seem part of the measure of a man is what he does when no one is watching. As we approach Father’s Day, I hope many of you can appreciate the fathers in your lives that do things for us and for others every day. And if you have a story, tell it, it is an immeasurable present. Happy Father’s Day!

The tendency to abdicate personal responsibility and allow government and sanctioning organizations to preside over us in a “nanny state” runs rampant through our society these days. Whether we are subject to mandates and laws regarding plastic straws, reusable bags, or mandatory labels that the hot coffee just purchased is actually hot, we can’t escape it.

And the reason we tolerate it? It is certainly not the ‘spoonful of sugar’ suggested by Mary Poppins but rather a shovelful of guilt. Guilt that we are never enough; never do enough and aren’t good enough or responsible enough to protect the environment, ourselves, or our children.

Now, the industry in which I’ve worked my entire adult life has jumped into the guilt trip with both feet, or shall I say hooves. After the somewhat recent disclosure regarding sexual abuse and the Olympic gymnasts, all governing bodies of Olympic sport went insane, in my opinion, and formed SafeSport. At it’s core, SafeSport aims to educate and enlighten athletes and others about the warning signs of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse and to provide tools for reporting on abusers. This is not a bad idea, we can all agree we must eradicate the dangers to our children wherever we find them. But here is where SafeSport and I part ways.

From the outset, SafeSport has proceeded with a ‘guilty until proven innocent’ policy. Based on possible infractions, people have been removed from their jobs and banned from even setting foot on a horse show grounds until SafeSport decides the case. A man well-known in the industry was banned for life; notable in that he had already been dead for years. He was not offered due process, a jury of his peers, or the ability to face his accusers because he was already dead. I did not know him personally nor his accusers so my judgement is not on the truth of the claims against him, but in my opinion a token pronouncement to make an example of him decades later makes a mockery of anything SafeSport might be trying to accomplish.

At it’s heart, SafeSport is a CYA (cover your ass) move for these governing bodies in sport that don’t wish to be involved in future litigation. By requiring every member 18 & over that wishes to participate in a United States Equestrian Federation Show as well as parents, officials, etc. etc. to complete mandatory testing, the USEF is effectively saying, “Not our fault, they took the test.”

All the above is sadly, old news to those involved in equestrian sport. The body that was put in place to oversee horse shows, year-end awards, and protect the animal has ventured into, yet again, new ground. As of June 1st, they have implemented policies regarding ‘electronic communications’. Adults in the sport may not communicate with a minor on email or social media unless another adult is copied on the communication. Adults are not to accept “friend request” by a minor and it’s suggested the minors like the fan page of the adult instead. Really??? How many among us have fan pages…or want them?

What really disturbs me is that with this latest pronouncement it feels as if all trainers that communicate with their students via text, email or Facebook are being considered to be unworthy of trust and under suspicion for their obviously shady motives. If I was a trainer, I would be offended. If I hadn’t already told the USEF to shove it and not renewed my nearly 40 year membership I’d do it now. The problem is these adults in the horse world are over a barrel. It is the way they make their living and they can’t tell them to go to hell as easily as I did.

Listen, we can all agree the abuse of children is beyond repugnant and we should all do everything we can to protect those that cannot protect themselves. BUT, I don’t need help, and tests, and mandates and sanctions on my communications to do that, and neither do most of you. We all need to be alert to things that don’t seem right, but in today’s climate, to paraphrase Tina Fey on SNL, “Bitch, I can’t be any more alert than I already am!” When do we stop letting organizations tell us what is best for us, how we should behave and how we should feel? There are not only two choices; to drink the Kool-Aid of guilt or to look the other way. I never had a nanny and I don’t need one now. Damn straight if I witness abuse of any nature to a child I’m going to sing like a canary as are most adults I am acquainted with. I never need SafeSport to tell me I should, that’s the difference.